All I could think was “why are you doing this to me now?”
He stood there pouring his heart out and saying all the things I always thought I wanted to hear.
Only.
He was not saying those things for me.
I see guilty eyes and a tortured soul. A heart wanting to share a heavy burden that only I can carry, only I stopped wanting to share anything with his heart a long time ago. My dreaming days are far gone.
While we hid in the dark and complicated everything that should have been simple, I accepted the Truth of Us. It wasn’t pretty, not then and not now. Somehow I moved forward, closed the chapter and slowly let the gaping wounds close in on my fragile heart. And just when I decided I was truly alone, we’re back where we started.
Now here is the dark day he tells me he loves me. I know now that every time I thought I wanted to know, I was wrong. I didn’t ever need to know it was real. It cannot, should not, be. Not like this.
Everything he is saying could have been beautiful then. But now.
They bring a bitterness to my soul that I thought could never touch me again. I am done. I was done. But now here he is, handing me a “gift” before walking away forever. And I don’t want it. Not this closure.
There are things you never want to hear at the point of goodbye. What’s the point, really?
And if it hurts so much now, did I ever really close the door?
I found this draft I wrote a few years ago. Lately, it’s been very relevant to how I feel
