Locked Out

Something about those eyes looking back at me.
They say everything, and still nothing at all.
So what are you doing here?

So many places I try hard not to go.
Is this real? Are we us?
Should I stay?
What do you want?

It’s easy to think you have the key to someone.
Because it’s worked so well in the past. Yeah
I could swear. I know you.
I have tasted your fear and I have your secrets.
But still never enough.
So what are you doing here?

Shadowed hallways and pleas that choke us.
Say sorry, mean it and dammit change.
Give me time. Give us space.

It’s funny the second you closed those eyes.
I’m breathing again, living truly.
It’s not you, it’s not us.
I’m just so finally worthy.

Of me.

So what are you still doing here?

Complicated

You won’t have ‘Forever’ with everyone,

but you always have Today

What’s the difference between looking back on a life of wasted love and hating it, or counting every encounter in the past as a golden opportunity and life-altering gift? It’s that dirty word called perspective.

I don’t recall where I first heard these words or when I started to live them out, and I certainly cannot say I’ve always done the right things, but looking back on all the shifts I’ve had to make to find my place in relationships, this one has to be the biggest and most rewarding for me.

Think about it: most of us have a tendency to open the two-option checkbox the moment we meet someone new. Forever Love, or Not Forever Love. Girlfriend, or Mortal Enemy. Something like that. Once that process of evaluation kicks off, we’re on a fact finding mission to make a call and close the book so that feeling of the unknown is squashed back into the hole it came from.

Kissed after coffee date? Forever Love
Did not text back 2 hours later? NFL
Complimented me on my very well done makeup? Girlfriend
Moved on to a cooler girl and didn’t stick around long after intros? ME
Doesn’t speak in future terms 3 months later? NFL
Tells a friend about “us”? Forever Love

I’m (hopefully) over simplifying this but over the years I’ve watched as most people tend to spend a lot of the energy in a relationship trying to define it, instead of just being in it. And it leads to so much unnecessary upheaval, because humans and their relationships are way too complex for things to be that simple all the time. I guess that’s what happens when the world puts a timer on your back and gives you a deadline to tie up your life in a pretty bow. So every day becomes another episode of The Search for The One, and sadly not just the romantic one, but let’s talk about that since it’s so much fun.

I haven’t found or even ever been searching for The One. And now the truth is out. When I look back though, my relationships truly have been filled with so much wonder and excitement, and far fewer regrets than I should have. And, without looking, I might have just found The One over and over again.

The one who taught me to be really brave.The one who needed to learn to live again.
The one who was too young.
The one who was too old (and didn’t know it!) sorry
The one who let me drive his fancy cars down the freeway at 3am
The one who died and took a piece of my heart forever.
The one who daily wrestles his demons, and loses sometimes.
The one who talked to me, really talked to me, every day for a year.
The one who married someone else.
The one who won’t marry anyone.
The one who was broken by his first love.
The one too afraid to attempt love.
The one who taught me to smoke.
The one with the most incredible smile.
The one figuring out a whole new world, and crushing it.
The one who shut down but expresses his soul through music.

Every one of them has shown me parts of myself that would have been impossible to find in a one-dimensional relationship. But that gift only comes if you focus on truly knowing the person in front of you, doing it for them instead of worrying about the role they will play in your life.

Maybe not everybody deserves this level of patience and understanding and a free space to just ‘be’ in our lives because they also have a motive, but I truly believe the world could have so many happier people if we didn’t have the pressure to rate and evaluate and take stock so often. If we tried to understand, gave room for others to grow, and allowed ourselves to see ourselves evolve in our relationships.

The only thing that happens for sure is that those boxes WILL get ticked eventually. But if you are the same person you were before meeting someone new, then what really was the point of saying hello?