Green Grass Envy

Have you ever felt like life was passing you by?

Like you were watching everyone else doing laps in the fast lane while you slowly puttered along in your lane - the not fast lane...

I was a little taken back when someone asked me this question today. Because, to be honest, I really have not been in a space where I had the luxury of looking up and looking around. But I have definitely been there before. I think we all have. In a world where people are very open and equally selective about the ways they tell the stories of their lives, it gets easy to fall into a pattern of comparison and get caught up. Add to all that the realization that we are "Twenty-somethings" and we should be making all those giant moves and decisions now, anyone focused on just making it day to day starts to get bogged down by the mundane and not see the big picture.

I feel lucky that I have found a way to be content in my bubble. Because I have learned that life is about the big things but so much more about the small. It's about getting a big diamond on a special day and getting a wave from a baby in her stroller on a random afternoon. It's about good news and bad news, and stealing your brother's beer from the fridge, just to try it out - and staying up all night because it gave you gas. Life is about being the belle of the freaking ball and not being able to keep the boys' names straight and it's about loving yourself for a while, because nobody was getting it just right.

Your life cannot pass you by when you learn to see each moment for what it really is: a special scene caught in a bubble of time, never to be experienced again by anyone else in the world. And sometimes it's big enough to share. But most of the time when you are honest with yourself, it really is just for you to treasure. And it is your job to live your own life and be present in your own moments, and guard carefully everything that you let in that has very little to do with you.

And if that doesn't work, remember the last time you jazzed up a story to make it better...and think what we all do when we tell you our stories...

For you, CJ, because you are amazing, blah and all.

xoxo

Silent Reminders

This post is way more than overdue... 

Almost immediately after I wrote my last post, I got the answers I didn't even know I was looking for. The first thing I realized was that it is not my responsibility to make sure people see just how wonderful God is. I had gotten so wrapped up in the journey, in this fantastic story that was unfolding in my life and I had run ahead of God to write the ending that I thought was appropriate. But God's ways are never our ways. And true, He could have given me what I wanted to show that he was all-powerful. But in that near-victory there was a lesson for me. And now that I look back I am grateful for what I thought were disappointments at the time. Because even now, I cannot believe what He did instead, all the wonderful things that were in store for me that I couldn't even begin to imagine or pray for. 

And even more than that, I realized that no one questioned me or asked where my God was. I imagined that all on my own and I was so wrapped up in making sure that everyone knew that it was all God's doing that I didn't even realize that He was already showing himself to people around me in ways that only He could. Like one of my best friends who said to me "what God is doing for you is so amazing and I am inspired to be closer to Him so he can look after me too because I need this miracle as well". And guess what, she prayed for the same exact miracle I wanted, and she got her answer. And it was so effortless and beautiful and I couldn't help but envy her for it. 

But now I realize, isn't that the whole point? How many times have I asked God to use me? How many times have I told Him I was willing to be His example to everyone around me. And what if my entire journey through that emotional craziness was just to be used by God to inspire someone to reach for what He had in store for her? 

It is a little daunting to think about the fact that we are created for His pleasure and that everything in our lives is to serve His purpose, and not always to our benefit alone. But while you ponder that, remember that He is also using everything at His disposal - people, their trials, their blessings, their mistakes, the weather, governments, policies, laws, new technology, any and every thing that you can think of in the world that exists or is yet to exist, even things that you know nothing about - for your good, to bring you that miracle you couldn't even imagine or think to ask for. How crazy awesome is that?

And how great is our God?

Silent Treatment

God and I are not really on speaking terms right now. And it is His fault. 

Let's just say He made me a promise, and I was 100% sure, and now I am disappointed. More than that, I am a little embarrassed. Because I told everybody I could find what God was doing and what He was about to do and now a whole lot of us are confused. Which raises a whole new question: should you not tell people what is going on until it happens just so you don't cry wolf? What are the rules on backtracking on declarations of faith?

I guess the good thing about my relationship with Him is that I don't have such a short memory. I KNOW how powerful He is, I KNOW He can do anything and the only criteria for anything He does is that it is what is best for me in the end. I KNOW that He loves me, maybe even more than I do, and that He is making better decisions and better plans than I could ever even imagine for myself. And He's doing all that whether or not I even think to ask. But I'm still hurt. And I am allowed to be, because I'm human. Like the Psalmist I am allowed to question, and cry in my bed at night if I want to. I am his child and children cannot understand everything no matter how much we want to. So even with all I know about Him and how grateful I am for everything else I find that I cannot pretend that this didn't happen, and that I am not dying a little on the inside. 

And even more, I find that the last thing I want to hear right now, just like Job, is how this is happening for a reason because God knows best. A part of me knows that, and maybe in a few days I will need a reminder to get back in formation and continue to soldier on. But today, I want my friends to sit in the mud with me and admit just how much this sucks. Because it does suck. 

And when I'm good and ready to be friends again with my very best friend I will be ready to hear just how awesome and powerful He is. And I'll be looking forward to how He plans to turn this around so it can all look like a dream. 

Until then, Rejoice in The Lord always. And again I say, Rejoice. 

I know, it's complicated. 

xoxo

 

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On Monday, I caused quite a bit of pandemonium among my family and friends. No, I did not announce that I am finally bringing home the husband they have all been waiting for (yet). That would have been a mega-pandemonium :)

I had been listening to Ed Sheeran all weekend long and his remake of Johnny Cash' classic: Wayfaring Stranger really struck a cord with me. So very late on Sunday night, I put the following lyrics on Facebook: 

I'm going there to see my mother

I'm going there no more to roam

I'm only going over Jordan

I'm only going over home

And then I went to bed. 

I woke up on Monday to a few missed calls, voicemails, BBM messages and Facebook comments. Ranging from "please explain what you mean" to "hope you're doing ok. I'm sure you're doing ok. You better be doing ok!" to "God forbid! Not now!"

If you know me very well these words mirror my life almost too closely and it is not far-fetched that someone could read far more into them than I intended. 

The first thing that occurred to me is that I must be one of the luckiest people in the world to have so many people who cared about me to read the tiniest bit of my words and immediately think to worry about me. I know it is a huge luxury in the world we live in today and I pray I never take it for granted. 

And then I started thinking of how afraid we all are of death. I think that the older we get and the smaller the world becomes, it can begin to look like death is all around us. And it is only natural that we run from it. 

But we all owe it to ourselves to look death in the face, not as a shocking 'thing' that 'happened' to someone else, but for the reality that it is. Because there is one thing that is universally true for every one of us on this earth: one day, each one of us will pass away from here. It is a sobering thought and the human mind fights not to accept it, but there is no way around it. I think what is even worse is not knowing the when and why and how it will happen. Because after years of learning to take control of all aspects of your life, it really is uncomfortable not having control of whether or not you will have a life in the very next second. Just like that. 

After I lost one of the best friends I ever had 2 years ago I was in a very bad place. I went through many months of just being defeated by death. I panicked whenever the phone rang at an odd time. I was afraid for everyone I knew. I had nightmares and then I tortured myself when I was awake. Somehow I was able to hide it from everyone around me. And then I went through periods where I didn't want to be close to people so it wouldn't hurt so much when they left me. But eventually I had to make my peace with his death or get crushed by the pain I was going through. It took many months to finally get out of that place and I find that I still need to remind myself sometimes. 

But I am not deathly afraid of death anymore, excuse the pun. I pray every day for a long and impactful life and I pray that I get to enjoy those years with the ones that I hold close to my heart. But I am also putting my house in order, because none of us really knows just how little time we have left. 

I am constantly reminding myself that 'Now' is all I really have. So I have to settle the matters of my soul now, live a full life now, love now, forgive now, travel now, do something new now. And if I'm lucky to have tomorrow to do it all over again, then I'll do it even better than I did today...

 

The Anatomy of a Miracle

God did something for me recently and, unlike most times when I grab whatever it is and yell my thanks as I run out the door, I actually took time to think about it. 

What is even more amazing than the way everything fell into place was how effortlessly everything fell into place. No effort on my part, that is. 

I mean, I didn't even pray. Not technically. I looked into my heart and told God in a simple conversation what I wanted. And then I asked that his will be done. I left the details and timing and the shape and form up to him. And the results absolutely blew my mind. 

As much as I preach faith, I can understand and admit that sometimes you can spin your wheels and make plans of all the details and everything you want will be yours. But I wish I could explain how amazing it feels to get something that you know you never could have gotten for yourself in a million years. You couldn't plan the surprises or "coincidences", you couldn't align events so that it all is so beautifully done that it just makes you wonder. Not the way God would do it for you. The details and the "planning" that my God had put in place before I was even born always come together so beautifully that I am amazed every time. 

So I have started to ask myself why I worry at all. Why I try to figure out things that are much bigger than I am. Things that I don't even fully understand. My job in this grand scheme is to rest in His will, to align my desires with the little that I know of His plans for me, and to learn more and more about Him so that I can confidently leave the details to Him and trust that He could never be too late, never drop the ball, never overlook anything, never be taken by surprise, never be confused or overwhelmed. 

It is amazing to be reminded that the only burden I should be carrying on my shoulders is the weight of my head and the burden of the love of Christ for others. And these things are not heavy...

Something to think about. 

Light as air,

xoxo