Tell God... I haven't Given Up (On Him)

If you asked me a few months ago, I would say I had been an adult for a while now and was probably getting really good at it, thank you very much. Plus, this summer, I will be celebrating 21 years of giving my life to Jesus and receiving the Holy Spirit (with the gift of speaking in tongues!). Which means I'm also an adult Christian, right? Wrong.

It seems to me like life lately has been a game of the more you know, the less you understand. Or the less you know, really. And in the middle of figuring out life and relationships and friendships and hair and workout regimens and diet cleanses, my faith has been tested beyond anything I could ever have imagined I would be able to survive. Picture a mustard seed in a tin can attached to the bumper of a Just Married truck heading out on a cross-country mountain trip. Or maybe my faith is a Martini, alternating between shaken and stirred. In any case, it has been a sometimes fun ride. At times I have wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. And I have.

I've cried in a ball on my bed, I've sat down and cried in the shower, hopelessly exhausted and beaten down, I've cried in the restrooms at work (and realized too late that my makeup kit was far away), I've cried my eyes out privately in frustration or anger or prayer, or in the middle of thousands of people in worship. I've cried for myself and I've cried for others. Most times recognizing that God was much bigger and in charge of whatever was happening to me or a friend or colleague, or really just because of how helpless I felt.

Surprisingly, a lot of times I have been able to brush myself off and keep going. I push through in praise or just dig deep in scriptures that I find a place to stand again, and I am able to keep going for just a little while longer.

But other times, those other times, I really just can't. That's when I feel like I need someone to carry a message to God. To tell him that my angst and frustration and despair is not because of anything he's done or hasn't done. That I'm not doubting the hope he ignited in my heart on the first day of 2016. That I know he can heal my friend's grandmother or take her to heaven so her family can begin to grieve after two years of waiting by her deathbed. That I know I will find a job that allows me to live a balanced life in the city I love. Or in another city or country that I will learn to love. That I know that when the time comes and my lease runs out in this valley of indecision, that there will be another place waiting for me to live in. That I know that one day I won't have to carry this constant guilt of canceling plans on friends every time one more thing comes up at work. That I know that my best friends in the world will find the jobs they so desperately need and deserve in this city. That I have not given up on him and his promises to me and my family and friends.

I really need him to know. Because at these times, I am just a girl on her own in the middle of crises. A girl surrounded by love but at the same time dealing with real problems that no one else can carry, problems that one day seem so tiny and the next, almost seem to overwhelm me. And the days that I really struggle to keep myself or anyone else afloat now far outnumber the days I feel like I am on top of the world.

While I wait, I know that God has all of this on his mind. And he cares much more than I know about every detail of my life and the ones I care about. Like the Psalmist, I have never even heard of another God like him, so frightening is his love and power over the whole world. So tell him I have not given up on him. But I am just a girl, maybe finally learning what it is like to be a woman...

Married Exes

As much as I avoid it, it is inevitable that I am part of at least one relationship/marriage talk every week. When girlfriends - and guy friends - get together, we talk about old and new relationships, other people's relationships and maybe our feelings about things in general. And for some reason, at a lot of these discussions I come across as being disengaged or nonchalant.

A girlfriend made this accusation the other day and then commented "You will probably feel different when your exes start tying the knot". Her comment stuck with me, mostly not because of the fact that I have had maybe one now ex-boyfriend to be concerned about, but because it is fascinating that a lot of us actually take our emotional cues and responses from how we feel about what is going on with others and not ourselves. What is it about the events in other people's lives that makes us look at ours in a totally distorted way?

For me, it isn't necessarily my exes, but I am more than guilty of reacting to situations because of how I see myself in relation to others. Like how I thought yesterday that maybe I should be out in Central Park playing in the snow with my dog because everyone was out there, even though I absolutely hate being in the cold and snow. Or planning a major birthday getaway because as my friend just said "Because it is your 30th" ignoring the fact that I hate big birthday celebrations.

Lately I have found myself pausing and questioning my feelings and reactions to things. Why do I go to the places I go to? Or like a certain song? Or spend time with certain people? Why do I feel the way I do about relationships and marriage? What exactly do I feel about these things? For me, it has been so healthy to be able to say unequivocally what I want and do not want because I have thought about it and decided for myself.

What are your "married exes"? The things that make you feel or do things that you ordinarily wouldn't do or put pressure on you to place yourself on a timeline that has nothing to do with your life and experiences.

How do you get those things out of your mind so you can focus on being yourself?

xoxo

Is This Thing On?

Yes! Yes it is!!

For months (exactly 18 months and 9 days) I have missed writing and sharing with you all (if you are still here).

Have I been writing? Yes, a whole lot. But for some reason it has been so difficult to share the deepest thoughts I have put on paper with the world. But not anymore.

As we crossed over into 2016 I took a look back at the last year and realized I had had one of the best 365 days of my life. Even with all the headaches and worries and sleepless nights, I don't think I have been happier. And for the first time I can confidently say it is not because of the presence or absence of anyone. It's just been me, Jesus in my heart and God around me. And it feels amazing.

And I realized at midnight on January 1, 2016 that there are so many more happy days ahead. What do I have to look forward to? Everything! More love, laughter, friendships, faith, falling in love, getting a ring, eloping (just kidding, dad, maybe), picking out outfits for my puppy, getting better at yoga, getting into kickboxing, getting better as a rockstar at work, longer hair, nicer skin, whiter teeth, the list is endless. But at the heart of it all I realized and for the first time I absolutely believed that the best days are ahead of me, and I am so excited to meet every day this year.

If you know me, you know I will have the cloudy, moody days at well. But it's okay. Because they will be great learning experiences and I will shake them off and face the many firsts and agains that are coming.

And more importantly, I WILL BE WRITING THIS YEAR. A LOT! I haven't figured out what I will be focused on this year, but I have decided there is no harm in letting the world know what I am thinking and feeling as the year unfolds. So let's go.

How did you come into 2016?

Love and Light,
dizzydami x.

Green Grass Envy

Have you ever felt like life was passing you by?

Like you were watching everyone else doing laps in the fast lane while you slowly puttered along in your lane - the not fast lane...

I was a little taken back when someone asked me this question today. Because, to be honest, I really have not been in a space where I had the luxury of looking up and looking around. But I have definitely been there before. I think we all have. In a world where people are very open and equally selective about the ways they tell the stories of their lives, it gets easy to fall into a pattern of comparison and get caught up. Add to all that the realization that we are "Twenty-somethings" and we should be making all those giant moves and decisions now, anyone focused on just making it day to day starts to get bogged down by the mundane and not see the big picture.

I feel lucky that I have found a way to be content in my bubble. Because I have learned that life is about the big things but so much more about the small. It's about getting a big diamond on a special day and getting a wave from a baby in her stroller on a random afternoon. It's about good news and bad news, and stealing your brother's beer from the fridge, just to try it out - and staying up all night because it gave you gas. Life is about being the belle of the freaking ball and not being able to keep the boys' names straight and it's about loving yourself for a while, because nobody was getting it just right.

Your life cannot pass you by when you learn to see each moment for what it really is: a special scene caught in a bubble of time, never to be experienced again by anyone else in the world. And sometimes it's big enough to share. But most of the time when you are honest with yourself, it really is just for you to treasure. And it is your job to live your own life and be present in your own moments, and guard carefully everything that you let in that has very little to do with you.

And if that doesn't work, remember the last time you jazzed up a story to make it better...and think what we all do when we tell you our stories...

For you, CJ, because you are amazing, blah and all.

xoxo

Silent Reminders

This post is way more than overdue... 

Almost immediately after I wrote my last post, I got the answers I didn't even know I was looking for. The first thing I realized was that it is not my responsibility to make sure people see just how wonderful God is. I had gotten so wrapped up in the journey, in this fantastic story that was unfolding in my life and I had run ahead of God to write the ending that I thought was appropriate. But God's ways are never our ways. And true, He could have given me what I wanted to show that he was all-powerful. But in that near-victory there was a lesson for me. And now that I look back I am grateful for what I thought were disappointments at the time. Because even now, I cannot believe what He did instead, all the wonderful things that were in store for me that I couldn't even begin to imagine or pray for. 

And even more than that, I realized that no one questioned me or asked where my God was. I imagined that all on my own and I was so wrapped up in making sure that everyone knew that it was all God's doing that I didn't even realize that He was already showing himself to people around me in ways that only He could. Like one of my best friends who said to me "what God is doing for you is so amazing and I am inspired to be closer to Him so he can look after me too because I need this miracle as well". And guess what, she prayed for the same exact miracle I wanted, and she got her answer. And it was so effortless and beautiful and I couldn't help but envy her for it. 

But now I realize, isn't that the whole point? How many times have I asked God to use me? How many times have I told Him I was willing to be His example to everyone around me. And what if my entire journey through that emotional craziness was just to be used by God to inspire someone to reach for what He had in store for her? 

It is a little daunting to think about the fact that we are created for His pleasure and that everything in our lives is to serve His purpose, and not always to our benefit alone. But while you ponder that, remember that He is also using everything at His disposal - people, their trials, their blessings, their mistakes, the weather, governments, policies, laws, new technology, any and every thing that you can think of in the world that exists or is yet to exist, even things that you know nothing about - for your good, to bring you that miracle you couldn't even imagine or think to ask for. How crazy awesome is that?

And how great is our God?