The State of Disunion

How am I feeling?

This is a question I haven't bothered to ask myself in a while. Ok, I've asked, but I haven't answered it necessarily. And of course, the standard answer goes for anyone else who asks. I'm fine. What else did you want to hear? Huh?

But maybe I'm not exactly fine. Not 100% deep down inside. And some self-psycho-analysis is long overdue. I think the real answer could be I'm a little unsettled. On the general surface of things I'm doing great. It's Spring (finally! thank God), work is great (if a little boring lately) the family is fine and together, and I'm getting to that place where the relationships and friendships I have are the only ones I want to be in (more on this later, when I can put it in non-offensive words ha-ha).

I recently ended a 'grey-area relationship' with someone I might have been in love with for close to ten years. It was just one of those things: distance, timing, the illusion of having time to deal with it sometime in the future when we were both really ready for a committed relationship. In a friend's words, he was on my shelf, and I was on his shelf (more on The Shelf later. Do you notice a pattern here? I should definitely write more.)

So much for good intentions. Ha!

What I thought was the beauty of this relationship was that we were in it together (in another friend's words, I'm soooo naive, or at least semi-naive at the very least. Yes, more of this TOO later). But I still like to believe that we were friends. He has been very supportive through the years and a great friend, which is really all I needed. The other stuff came up once in a while, and we dealt with it the best way we could, as friends.

But still, I did my homework. There was the on-then-off girlfriend who I heard about from our friends even without asking, and my life wasn't exactly a convent either so things were definitely not in the tragic aisle. But where I was kinda, sorta open about what was going on in my life in that direction, it was a bit interesting that she was a closely guarded secret. Even in spite of my almost obvious leading questions. Strike 1.

So recently we had The Talk. He talked. And I agreed. If we kept going and dancing around this grey area between friends and whatever-it-was, someone (Me) was going to get hurt eventually. And it was time to be grown ups. Which was all very reasonable and honest from both of us. And then he asked that we should remain friends. Strike 2. (For no reason. I just hate the can we still be friends line.)

And then that part of 'Us' was over. It was really a bittersweet moment. I might have been a little teary (NOT) and his eyes may have been shiny (or it was just the dashboard late at night) and we said goodbye. And I was fine. I told myself it was nice to finally have him come clean and tell me the whole truth, and really, what were the chances that we would end up together if we danced around this all these years. I didn't have any regrets, our friendship had not stood in the way of any great loves and I had learned a lot and grown as a person by knowing him.

Really tipping the balance on the naive scale now, Dami...

So yes. I was fine. Until 3am that night when he sent me a text to ask "How are you feeling?" And that's when the rumble began. Strike 3.

What was I supposed to say to that?

"I'm feeling a little broken, and I can't really blame you because I knew what I was doing."

"Remember when I said we could be friends? I didn't mean 3 hours later, I was thinking maybe in a few months when all this has gone away and we meet for drinks in the presence of many other friends."

"I'm trying to sleep but since you're awake maybe I should ask you how you're feeling."

But I just waited until it was a decent hour in the morning and replied, I'm fine. Because the truth is, even though I was a little bruised I knew I would be fine, eventually. And we can even be friends like that, in a not so distant future. And in my mind I was doing him a favor by taking away the responsibility for taking care of me and making sure I was okay. (I know, good intentions and the road to heaven, or was it hell?)

But these are things you can't really say to someone when you are trying to change a relationship without breaking it, because it defeats the purpose. So now he thinks I hate him, and I refuse to think about it or find a way back into that conversation. And what do you know? I actually am fine.

xoxo

I'm ELOPING!!!

A few people have heard me mention this before (and probably thought I was kidding around as usual) but I'm happy to announce that I am ACTUALLY ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY ELOPING! It has always been a mini dream of mine to breeze into a Las Vegas chapel with the boy and say my vows,the vows that I have been composing over the past couple of weeks. And I'm finally getting my wish! I will be jetting off in a minute to live that dream and make this wedding about the 2 (ok 3, Jesus inclusive) people who truly have a stake in this. And when the dust settles....let me just say this...watch your mailboxes guys...and 2 words....Turquoise and white sand ( ok 4 words. Sue me)

Wish me luck!!

xoxo

Musingmus Interruptus

I'll miss you while you're sleeping...

There aren't enough words to describe the way I feel. Alive, breathless, calm, restless, infatuated, impatient...

I'm ready for tomorrow...

Who knows what we'll laugh about, fight about, the things you'll teach me and the things I'll share with you or the things we'll learn together...

I can't believe you're here now

You make me sing inside (and almost attempt it out loud) you make me dance you dance with me you sing to me you sing of me you are my song...

I'll stop now (I can't write when you're watching)

x

Running

I did not make it to church again today.

I woke up early enough, had breakfast, got dressed, wrote the check for my tithes, and then I moseyed around the apartment until service ended. Then I got on the train, ran my after-church errands, and came right back home.

This is the plain truth: I am avoiding God.

There are only a few things that make me retreat so far into myself that I start to pull away: I'm sad, I have done something very wrong, or I am angry...at God.

And boy have I been angry. For years after my mum died, people applauded me for handling things so well. I was focused in school, doing much better than I had ever done; I was helpful and involved at home. And under all that bravery my anger simmered. Every time someone remarked on how much I was growing to look like her and what a great woman she was, my anger simmered beneath the surface and I turned behind them and shook my fists at him. If she was so great, why would he take her away from me?

I eventually got over my angst, and our friendship returned to normal.

Today, I think I'm just sad. Not depressed or self destructive or anything, just s-a-d. If I could paint a picture of how I feel it would be me, sitting in the dark in my closet, waiting for...something.

I don't want to run from God. It is like fighting with your best friend and hating them because you know you can't talk to anyone about it, because no one else can understand or fix it. I know better now than to try to fill the space with anything or anyone else, and I know I should just let it all go and pray, or sing a song, or just talk. But I am not always strong enough or wise enough to do the right thing...

So I run.

xoxo

Pink Slipped

I got fired today. By accident. For about 25 minutes.

It was kind of a funny story...

I was literally working on something important when all my files zapped right before my eyes and my internet shut down. Every attempt to log in to anything was futile. My account had been disabled. I excused myself from the all-important global Monday call and called IT (thankfully they had not shut down my phones or intranet yet).

The IT rep, bless his Indian heart, was obviously confused. He asked me many polite questions, but was really too polite to ask me how I was in the building if my employment had been terminated (I had no idea of course, I'm used to all sorts of IT glitches). Eventually he admitted he couldn't help me and sent me on to HR.

HR was just as confused. After asking about 6 times if I was sure my email still worked, the rep asked me to email them at HR with the problem.

After ages (30 minutes or so) I finally got a call from a senior management person: Someone in HR was processing my visa/tax forms and had just stepped away from his desk when an emergency termination request for another employee came in on his computer. Due to a lack of his morning coffee or a brutal rejection/breakup over the weekend or the death of one of his 8 cats, he accidentally terminated me and the person who needed to be terminated. So everyone I had spoken to saw on their end that I had been terminated ("emergencily" terminated). Technically I was only wiped out of the system for 25 minutes. In practice, it took about 5 hours to get me back online, and I found out tonight I still cannot log in remotely (Bummer ☺).

This is where I pat myself on the back for not panicking at all in spite of the hoopla. With all the craziness going on at the bank lately I wasn't concerned for a second that my job was possibly in danger and I handled it all with grace and humor, if I may say so.

Can't believe it's only Monday..