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On Monday, I caused quite a bit of pandemonium among my family and friends. No, I did not announce that I am finally bringing home the husband they have all been waiting for (yet). That would have been a mega-pandemonium :)

I had been listening to Ed Sheeran all weekend long and his remake of Johnny Cash' classic: Wayfaring Stranger really struck a cord with me. So very late on Sunday night, I put the following lyrics on Facebook: 

I'm going there to see my mother

I'm going there no more to roam

I'm only going over Jordan

I'm only going over home

And then I went to bed. 

I woke up on Monday to a few missed calls, voicemails, BBM messages and Facebook comments. Ranging from "please explain what you mean" to "hope you're doing ok. I'm sure you're doing ok. You better be doing ok!" to "God forbid! Not now!"

If you know me very well these words mirror my life almost too closely and it is not far-fetched that someone could read far more into them than I intended. 

The first thing that occurred to me is that I must be one of the luckiest people in the world to have so many people who cared about me to read the tiniest bit of my words and immediately think to worry about me. I know it is a huge luxury in the world we live in today and I pray I never take it for granted. 

And then I started thinking of how afraid we all are of death. I think that the older we get and the smaller the world becomes, it can begin to look like death is all around us. And it is only natural that we run from it. 

But we all owe it to ourselves to look death in the face, not as a shocking 'thing' that 'happened' to someone else, but for the reality that it is. Because there is one thing that is universally true for every one of us on this earth: one day, each one of us will pass away from here. It is a sobering thought and the human mind fights not to accept it, but there is no way around it. I think what is even worse is not knowing the when and why and how it will happen. Because after years of learning to take control of all aspects of your life, it really is uncomfortable not having control of whether or not you will have a life in the very next second. Just like that. 

After I lost one of the best friends I ever had 2 years ago I was in a very bad place. I went through many months of just being defeated by death. I panicked whenever the phone rang at an odd time. I was afraid for everyone I knew. I had nightmares and then I tortured myself when I was awake. Somehow I was able to hide it from everyone around me. And then I went through periods where I didn't want to be close to people so it wouldn't hurt so much when they left me. But eventually I had to make my peace with his death or get crushed by the pain I was going through. It took many months to finally get out of that place and I find that I still need to remind myself sometimes. 

But I am not deathly afraid of death anymore, excuse the pun. I pray every day for a long and impactful life and I pray that I get to enjoy those years with the ones that I hold close to my heart. But I am also putting my house in order, because none of us really knows just how little time we have left. 

I am constantly reminding myself that 'Now' is all I really have. So I have to settle the matters of my soul now, live a full life now, love now, forgive now, travel now, do something new now. And if I'm lucky to have tomorrow to do it all over again, then I'll do it even better than I did today...

 

The Anatomy of a Miracle

God did something for me recently and, unlike most times when I grab whatever it is and yell my thanks as I run out the door, I actually took time to think about it. 

What is even more amazing than the way everything fell into place was how effortlessly everything fell into place. No effort on my part, that is. 

I mean, I didn't even pray. Not technically. I looked into my heart and told God in a simple conversation what I wanted. And then I asked that his will be done. I left the details and timing and the shape and form up to him. And the results absolutely blew my mind. 

As much as I preach faith, I can understand and admit that sometimes you can spin your wheels and make plans of all the details and everything you want will be yours. But I wish I could explain how amazing it feels to get something that you know you never could have gotten for yourself in a million years. You couldn't plan the surprises or "coincidences", you couldn't align events so that it all is so beautifully done that it just makes you wonder. Not the way God would do it for you. The details and the "planning" that my God had put in place before I was even born always come together so beautifully that I am amazed every time. 

So I have started to ask myself why I worry at all. Why I try to figure out things that are much bigger than I am. Things that I don't even fully understand. My job in this grand scheme is to rest in His will, to align my desires with the little that I know of His plans for me, and to learn more and more about Him so that I can confidently leave the details to Him and trust that He could never be too late, never drop the ball, never overlook anything, never be taken by surprise, never be confused or overwhelmed. 

It is amazing to be reminded that the only burden I should be carrying on my shoulders is the weight of my head and the burden of the love of Christ for others. And these things are not heavy...

Something to think about. 

Light as air,

xoxo

The State of Disunion

How am I feeling?

This is a question I haven't bothered to ask myself in a while. Ok, I've asked, but I haven't answered it necessarily. And of course, the standard answer goes for anyone else who asks. I'm fine. What else did you want to hear? Huh?

But maybe I'm not exactly fine. Not 100% deep down inside. And some self-psycho-analysis is long overdue. I think the real answer could be I'm a little unsettled. On the general surface of things I'm doing great. It's Spring (finally! thank God), work is great (if a little boring lately) the family is fine and together, and I'm getting to that place where the relationships and friendships I have are the only ones I want to be in (more on this later, when I can put it in non-offensive words ha-ha).

I recently ended a 'grey-area relationship' with someone I might have been in love with for close to ten years. It was just one of those things: distance, timing, the illusion of having time to deal with it sometime in the future when we were both really ready for a committed relationship. In a friend's words, he was on my shelf, and I was on his shelf (more on The Shelf later. Do you notice a pattern here? I should definitely write more.)

So much for good intentions. Ha!

What I thought was the beauty of this relationship was that we were in it together (in another friend's words, I'm soooo naive, or at least semi-naive at the very least. Yes, more of this TOO later). But I still like to believe that we were friends. He has been very supportive through the years and a great friend, which is really all I needed. The other stuff came up once in a while, and we dealt with it the best way we could, as friends.

But still, I did my homework. There was the on-then-off girlfriend who I heard about from our friends even without asking, and my life wasn't exactly a convent either so things were definitely not in the tragic aisle. But where I was kinda, sorta open about what was going on in my life in that direction, it was a bit interesting that she was a closely guarded secret. Even in spite of my almost obvious leading questions. Strike 1.

So recently we had The Talk. He talked. And I agreed. If we kept going and dancing around this grey area between friends and whatever-it-was, someone (Me) was going to get hurt eventually. And it was time to be grown ups. Which was all very reasonable and honest from both of us. And then he asked that we should remain friends. Strike 2. (For no reason. I just hate the can we still be friends line.)

And then that part of 'Us' was over. It was really a bittersweet moment. I might have been a little teary (NOT) and his eyes may have been shiny (or it was just the dashboard late at night) and we said goodbye. And I was fine. I told myself it was nice to finally have him come clean and tell me the whole truth, and really, what were the chances that we would end up together if we danced around this all these years. I didn't have any regrets, our friendship had not stood in the way of any great loves and I had learned a lot and grown as a person by knowing him.

Really tipping the balance on the naive scale now, Dami...

So yes. I was fine. Until 3am that night when he sent me a text to ask "How are you feeling?" And that's when the rumble began. Strike 3.

What was I supposed to say to that?

"I'm feeling a little broken, and I can't really blame you because I knew what I was doing."

"Remember when I said we could be friends? I didn't mean 3 hours later, I was thinking maybe in a few months when all this has gone away and we meet for drinks in the presence of many other friends."

"I'm trying to sleep but since you're awake maybe I should ask you how you're feeling."

But I just waited until it was a decent hour in the morning and replied, I'm fine. Because the truth is, even though I was a little bruised I knew I would be fine, eventually. And we can even be friends like that, in a not so distant future. And in my mind I was doing him a favor by taking away the responsibility for taking care of me and making sure I was okay. (I know, good intentions and the road to heaven, or was it hell?)

But these are things you can't really say to someone when you are trying to change a relationship without breaking it, because it defeats the purpose. So now he thinks I hate him, and I refuse to think about it or find a way back into that conversation. And what do you know? I actually am fine.

xoxo

I'm ELOPING!!!

A few people have heard me mention this before (and probably thought I was kidding around as usual) but I'm happy to announce that I am ACTUALLY ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY ELOPING! It has always been a mini dream of mine to breeze into a Las Vegas chapel with the boy and say my vows,the vows that I have been composing over the past couple of weeks. And I'm finally getting my wish! I will be jetting off in a minute to live that dream and make this wedding about the 2 (ok 3, Jesus inclusive) people who truly have a stake in this. And when the dust settles....let me just say this...watch your mailboxes guys...and 2 words....Turquoise and white sand ( ok 4 words. Sue me)

Wish me luck!!

xoxo

Musingmus Interruptus

I'll miss you while you're sleeping...

There aren't enough words to describe the way I feel. Alive, breathless, calm, restless, infatuated, impatient...

I'm ready for tomorrow...

Who knows what we'll laugh about, fight about, the things you'll teach me and the things I'll share with you or the things we'll learn together...

I can't believe you're here now

You make me sing inside (and almost attempt it out loud) you make me dance you dance with me you sing to me you sing of me you are my song...

I'll stop now (I can't write when you're watching)

x