Awakening

Eerie. Quiet. Tranquil. 

A world forever changed.

Did we truly conquer you?

Lands trimmed by necessity;

Shaped for life, for being;

Dimmed, renewed, blue.

Hearts awake, again;

One heart torched to compassion anew.

We hear you in the silence,

We see you in the dawn-dew;

O what a time to be a-stirring.

We marvel in your morphing,

Applaud you in your purifying;

Would that we may learn from you

To go to sleep, and dawn again,

Awake

and new.

Locked Out

Something about those eyes looking back at me.
They say everything, and still nothing at all.
So what are you doing here?

So many places I try hard not to go.
Is this real? Are we us?
Should I stay?
What do you want?

It’s easy to think you have the key to someone.
Because it’s worked so well in the past. Yeah
I could swear. I know you.
I have tasted your fear and I have your secrets.
But still never enough.
So what are you doing here?

Shadowed hallways and pleas that choke us.
Say sorry, mean it and dammit change.
Give me time. Give us space.

It’s funny the second you closed those eyes.
I’m breathing again, living truly.
It’s not you, it’s not us.
I’m just so finally worthy.

Of me.

So what are you still doing here?

Complicated

You won’t have ‘Forever’ with everyone,

but you always have Today

What’s the difference between looking back on a life of wasted love and hating it, or counting every encounter in the past as a golden opportunity and life-altering gift? It’s that dirty word called perspective.

I don’t recall where I first heard these words or when I started to live them out, and I certainly cannot say I’ve always done the right things, but looking back on all the shifts I’ve had to make to find my place in relationships, this one has to be the biggest and most rewarding for me.

Think about it: most of us have a tendency to open the two-option checkbox the moment we meet someone new. Forever Love, or Not Forever Love. Girlfriend, or Mortal Enemy. Something like that. Once that process of evaluation kicks off, we’re on a fact finding mission to make a call and close the book so that feeling of the unknown is squashed back into the hole it came from.

Kissed after coffee date? Forever Love
Did not text back 2 hours later? NFL
Complimented me on my very well done makeup? Girlfriend
Moved on to a cooler girl and didn’t stick around long after intros? ME
Doesn’t speak in future terms 3 months later? NFL
Tells a friend about “us”? Forever Love

I’m (hopefully) over simplifying this but over the years I’ve watched as most people tend to spend a lot of the energy in a relationship trying to define it, instead of just being in it. And it leads to so much unnecessary upheaval, because humans and their relationships are way too complex for things to be that simple all the time. I guess that’s what happens when the world puts a timer on your back and gives you a deadline to tie up your life in a pretty bow. So every day becomes another episode of The Search for The One, and sadly not just the romantic one, but let’s talk about that since it’s so much fun.

I haven’t found or even ever been searching for The One. And now the truth is out. When I look back though, my relationships truly have been filled with so much wonder and excitement, and far fewer regrets than I should have. And, without looking, I might have just found The One over and over again.

The one who taught me to be really brave.The one who needed to learn to live again.
The one who was too young.
The one who was too old (and didn’t know it!) sorry
The one who let me drive his fancy cars down the freeway at 3am
The one who died and took a piece of my heart forever.
The one who daily wrestles his demons, and loses sometimes.
The one who talked to me, really talked to me, every day for a year.
The one who married someone else.
The one who won’t marry anyone.
The one who was broken by his first love.
The one too afraid to attempt love.
The one who taught me to smoke.
The one with the most incredible smile.
The one figuring out a whole new world, and crushing it.
The one who shut down but expresses his soul through music.

Every one of them has shown me parts of myself that would have been impossible to find in a one-dimensional relationship. But that gift only comes if you focus on truly knowing the person in front of you, doing it for them instead of worrying about the role they will play in your life.

Maybe not everybody deserves this level of patience and understanding and a free space to just ‘be’ in our lives because they also have a motive, but I truly believe the world could have so many happier people if we didn’t have the pressure to rate and evaluate and take stock so often. If we tried to understand, gave room for others to grow, and allowed ourselves to see ourselves evolve in our relationships.

The only thing that happens for sure is that those boxes WILL get ticked eventually. But if you are the same person you were before meeting someone new, then what really was the point of saying hello?

ClosureIsADirtyWord

All I could think was “why are you doing this to me now?”

He stood there pouring his heart out and saying all the things I always thought I wanted to hear.

Only.

He was not saying those things for me.

I see guilty eyes and a tortured soul. A heart wanting to share a heavy burden that only I can carry, only I stopped wanting to share anything with his heart a long time ago. My dreaming days are far gone.

While we hid in the dark and complicated everything that should have been simple, I accepted the Truth of Us. It wasn’t pretty, not then and not now. Somehow I moved forward, closed the chapter and slowly let the gaping wounds close in on my fragile heart. And just when I decided I was truly alone, we’re back where we started.

Now here is the dark day he tells me he loves me. I know now that every time I thought I wanted to know, I was wrong. I didn’t ever need to know it was real. It cannot, should not, be. Not like this.

Everything he is saying could have been beautiful then. But now.

They bring a bitterness to my soul that I thought could never touch me again. I am done. I was done. But now here he is, handing me a “gift” before walking away forever. And I don’t want it. Not this closure.

There are things you never want to hear at the point of goodbye. What’s the point, really?

And if it hurts so much now, did I ever really close the door?

I found this draft I wrote a few years ago. Lately, it’s been very relevant to how I feel

Shimmer

It has been brought to my attention that I have not been writing. I would like to offer a firm rebuttal that I have in fact been writing, a lot, but nothing that I am at liberty to share. So let's change that by telling a story about a girl at the altar:

People talk about time being suspended and everything stopping in a second when you are in a life and death situation, and I have been curious about it, but I never expected my moment to be here on the one day I have waited to experience pretty much my whole life.

I looked into his eyes, those deep chocolate pools of mysterious, yet mostly transparent, daring and determination, and for the life of me I could not fathom how we ended up here. So familiar, and oh so strange. I looked at that smile, one that has intrigued, kindled, haunted, soothed, and today intrigues even more. And I try very hard to hold on to long-forgotten words from those lips that somehow made me feel safe enough to put on a garter and uncomfortable shoes and drag a 30-pound dress up the stone steps I dreamed about when I was only four years old. 

Part of me sees myself. Unremarkable, manipulative, self-serving and so, so needy. What was he thinking? He is supposed to be smart, and unrivaled intelligence like his wouldn't choose the facade he went down on one knee and professed undying devotion to, or would it? Did that show of confidence and self-assurance really strike a cord of truth? Did I really cradle his ego and nurse his dreams and stand unshaken by his side as staidly as the past 24 months would say I did? I might be a lot calmer if I remembered what I did that had him sending for this emerald piece of sacred family history that is now perched on my finger, just as I dreamed only four years ago.

Who are we really? Together and apart. Why are we here? What crazy thoughts led us to the place where we believed we could do this - create a forever out of nothing, the way generations have tried and succeeded and failed since forever? 

When will we break? How quickly before what used to arouse begins to annoy? What happens after the glitter flutters away and silhouettes become shadows and take real shape? 

The answers never came in that moment. But time had to keep moving.

I looked into his eyes. The trusting eyes of one human who knows no better placing his life in the hands of another who knows even less, and I thought, "why not him? He is just as crazy to believe and primed for surprises as I am". I decided I would be worthy of that trust. Because the woman I am becoming is deserving of the man he will be. 

One woman ran far away from the altar that still May evening, right before sunset when the wind held its breath. Another stayed, squeezing his hand and knowing that questions and answers would lead to more answers and questions, and that they would both die trying not to let go.