Letting Go of the Alter Ego

"I don't understand you"

He says this with a loving smile on his face so I think it's a good thing. I definitely don't mind being a little mysterious, an enigma that keeps him intrigued and interested. I like to be unpredictable, daring, and I tell myself that this is how I learn myself and get to know me. And for him, it was refreshing. In his words, I am Fun; flirty when it is needed and then blushing shy the next moment, smart and seriously clowning, overly sensual and terribly naive, sometimes all at the same time. And on days like today, it keeps him up at night because the only thing that holds him back is the need to really KNOW me.

I have had several variations of this conversation with friends and lovers over the years. Someone once jokingly created the idea of multiple personalities and I readily embraced it. Finally, an off-hand excuse I could give to anyone who cared enough to scratch beneath the surface to get to the core of the person inside. And this is what they really are, these alter egos: Excuses. 

On one hand, I 'use them' because don't like to explain my actions, especially when I see myself doing it to gain the acceptance of others. Being "the crazy weird one" is like a disclaimer that says "I will do anything at anytime because that is the way I am". And this works almost all the time. On another hand, I think I have successfully created a persona that is more confusing than intriguing, and on the days he says some really hurtful things, and I realize he doesn't know me at all, I begin to question the wisdom of my identity.

I am thinking of putting the alter egos to rest and creating one ME. Enough of the Intellectual and Spiritual One and the Flirty, Funny One and the Modern Ambitious One and the Laid-back and Traditional One... and the others. Maybe it's time to just be one person everyday, no excuses, no apologies... just One