Death Day

I like to pretend to myself that no one reads these pages..... 

Rumor has it that a girl at my school killed herself today. I never  knew her, and in a way I'm glad I didn't. I saw her Twitter page, and her last words, "I am not ok; But who cares...." haunt me even now. I can imagine how anyone who knew her would feel tonight. Because no matter how subtle it was, she uttered a small plea for help, and we all did not hear her.

A few weeks ago I struggled with these feelings of neglect, of feeling alone when there were so many people around me, of wishing they would take a moment to really look at me and simply say "How are you?" or something like that. It is nothing as dramatic as suicide, I just wanted to feel some love, some human contact. I wanted someone to really care about me. Eventually I turned to my family, my old friends, and I turned to God. And I know I am truly lucky and blessed, because some people do not have those options. More importantly I found myself listening and observing people more, and I realized that there were many people out there feeling like I was feeling. In this past week alone (and it's only just Thursday) a number of people who I only know through the internet have consistently said things like "my friends don't care about me" or "why are my friendships not reciprocal" and "from now on I am only caring about myself and no one else". I know it is because they think they are reaching out, and no one is reaching back.

It is sad that with so many ways to reach out to one another many of us are growing further and further apart. And daily it seems that someone is dying, unexpectedly, and leaving behind guilty people who wish they had said "I care" just once, just enough to make you believe them. 

I don't have any wise words or compelling message to share. 

I wish I could say I was doing every thing I could to be a good friend, sister, daughter, roommate.

I wish.