Sunday, November 18, 2012

Running

I did not make it to church again today.

I woke up early enough, had breakfast, got dressed, wrote the check for my tithes, and then I moseyed around the apartment until service ended. Then I got on the train, ran my after-church errands, and came right back home.

This is the plain truth: I am avoiding God.

There are only a few things that make me retreat so far into myself that I start to pull away: I'm sad, I have done something very wrong, or I am angry...at God.

And boy have I been angry. For years after my mum died, people applauded me for handling things so well. I was focused in school, doing much better than I had ever done; I was helpful and involved at home. And under all that bravery my anger simmered. Every time someone remarked on how much I was growing to look like her and what a great woman she was, my anger simmered beneath the surface and I turned behind them and shook my fists at him. If she was so great, why would he take her away from me?

I eventually got over my angst, and our friendship returned to normal.

Today, I think I'm just sad. Not depressed or self destructive or anything, just s-a-d. If I could paint a picture of how I feel it would be me, sitting in the dark in my closet, waiting for...something.

I don't want to run from God. It is like fighting with your best friend and hating them because you know you can't talk to anyone about it, because no one else can understand or fix it. I know better now than to try to fill the space with anything or anyone else, and I know I should just let it all go and pray, or sing a song, or just talk. But I am not always strong enough or wise enough to do the right thing...

So I run.

xoxo