Thursday, April 21, 2011

Death Day

I like to pretend to myself that no one reads these pages..... 

Rumor has it that a girl at my school killed herself today. I never  knew her, and in a way I'm glad I didn't. I saw her Twitter page, and her last words, "I am not ok; But who cares...." haunt me even now. I can imagine how anyone who knew her would feel tonight. Because no matter how subtle it was, she uttered a small plea for help, and we all did not hear her.

A few weeks ago I struggled with these feelings of neglect, of feeling alone when there were so many people around me, of wishing they would take a moment to really look at me and simply say "How are you?" or something like that. It is nothing as dramatic as suicide, I just wanted to feel some love, some human contact. I wanted someone to really care about me. Eventually I turned to my family, my old friends, and I turned to God. And I know I am truly lucky and blessed, because some people do not have those options. More importantly I found myself listening and observing people more, and I realized that there were many people out there feeling like I was feeling. In this past week alone (and it's only just Thursday) a number of people who I only know through the internet have consistently said things like "my friends don't care about me" or "why are my friendships not reciprocal" and "from now on I am only caring about myself and no one else". I know it is because they think they are reaching out, and no one is reaching back.

It is sad that with so many ways to reach out to one another many of us are growing further and further apart. And daily it seems that someone is dying, unexpectedly, and leaving behind guilty people who wish they had said "I care" just once, just enough to make you believe them. 

I don't have any wise words or compelling message to share. 
I wish I could say I was doing every thing I could to be a good friend, sister, daughter, roommate.
I wish.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Sheep in the Big City

Well, I'm not quite in the city yet. But the pressure is definitely on. In about two months I will be one of the newest residents of the Big Apple. A few weeks ago I was filled with utter trepidation and, in plain English, I was freaking out. See, I kinda sorta hate change, and moving to New York to start a real job is a big change for me. But it has to happen. Someone reminded me that whether we welcome it or not, life keeps moving and changes come. And then he told me to suck it up and quit being a baby...

Now I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore. It's still a scary move and while they say it is way to early to be looking, I find that I'm already obsessing over the details: like where I will live and who my first New Yorker boyfriend will be

One thing I know, it will be the experience of a lifetime. I hope to see and do and learn things that many people in the world only dream about or see in the movies. I get to work in one of the biggest companies in the world, with the smartest people imaginable. I get to be overwhelmed, in a good way, by all that Life in the City has to offer a wide-eyed small town girl from a tiny village in Nigeria.

And I promise to share all the details... xoxo

Friday, April 8, 2011

Loser Like Me

The latest Glee episode, Original Song, had me and millions of fans in rapturous delight over the Glee Club's winning original Regional number, Loser Like Me. The lyrics of the song and the whole idea of the kids in Glee Club got me thinking about myself....

I never considered myself to be a cool kid growing up. As a young child, I was always the youngest -and the smallest- kid in the class, and for weird reasons I liked to do things most kids my age were not interested in; like watching the entire Dynasty series and playing Solitaire for thousands of hours. Of course I spent most of my time alone instead of running around with my peers in primary school like a regular kid. Nevertheless, I had quite a number of friends, maybe even more than your usual quiet kid..... I'd like to think it was because of my winning smile ☺

Fast forward to Secondary School, and I had not quite grown out of my awkwardness. Looking back, I realize I was not quite the weird geeky kid that I thought I was. I had a boyfriend from age 13 onwards, I was friends with the popular girls and probably not a loser by popular standards. But I always felt there was something missing, that X-factor. I was not as daring as these kids, certainly not as confident as they seemed to be and just generally lacking in coolness.

The first time I ever felt cool was in my first year in college at KNUST, Ghana. It was amazing; from the first day, people reached out to me and drew me out of my shell and genuinely wanted to be friends with me. I developed a lot of self-confidence during that first year, and I can honestly say that was the greatest year of my life. And my friends, it has been such a long time and they are still the most wonderful people I know. We were altogether one fantastic group of kids, having fun together and looking out for one another and I totally enjoyed every minute of that year. One thing I did get out of that experience was my X-factor. And, needless to say, I was depressed for a long time when I had to change schools...

These days, I find that I'm no longer looking out for those cool kids, the ones who exude that aura of confidence and fun and light up the room wherever they go. Somehow, because I was accepted without any questions, I have accepted myself and become my own light. I guess the lesson I've pulled out from it all is that sometimes we are harder on ourselves than we need to be. While I was feeling self-conscious and reaching for higher levels of 'Cool' and even looking to associate with the people that I thought would help me fit that profile, there were people who saw those qualities in me that I didn't even see, and those people helped me really see myself and believe in myself. I finally allowed myself to believe that maybe there was something cool about the loser I thought I was..... I have been a believer since. Loser like me....

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Crabby Tuesday Blues

A few minutes to clear my head while I wait for class to be over.

Some times I feel like I have checked out on life.
Don't call 911, I'm not heading down that way...
It's just that I'm not excited by much these days.
Graduation. Not excited.
Moving to New York. Not hyped.
It's even hard to fake it when people ask, and I feel like I am letting them down
when I see how my damp mood takes that genuine, excited smile off their faces.
I'm not sure when I became so 'sleepy', but that's what it is.
I have tried to talk to people about it,
but it feels like the moment I say Hello I'm hit with their problems instead.
And I understand: it is a tough time for all of us because there is so much going on
So until I find someone who is not too busy to listen, this is me talking to me, about me.

♥♡Love and Crabcakes♡♥