Let's just say He made me a promise, and I was 100% sure, and now I am disappointed. More than that, I am a little embarrassed. Because I told everybody I could find what God was doing and what He was about to do and now a whole lot of us are confused. Which raises a whole new question: should you not tell people what is going on until it happens just so you don't cry wolf? What are the rules on backtracking on declarations of faith?
I guess the good thing about my relationship with Him is that I don't have such a short memory. I KNOW how powerful He is, I KNOW He can do anything and the only criteria for anything He does is that it is what is best for me in the end. I KNOW that He loves me, maybe even more than I do, and that He is making better decisions and better plans than I could ever even imagine for myself. And He's doing all that whether or not I even think to ask. But I'm still hurt. And I am allowed to be, because I'm human. Like the Psalmist I am allowed to question, and cry in my bed at night if I want to. I am his child and children cannot understand everything no matter how much we want to. So even with all I know about Him and how grateful I am for everything else I find that I cannot pretend that this didn't happen, and that I am not dying a little on the inside.
And even more, I find that the last thing I want to hear right now, just like Job, is how this is happening for a reason because God knows best. A part of me knows that, and maybe in a few days I will need a reminder to get back in formation and continue to soldier on. But today, I want my friends to sit in the mud with me and admit just how much this sucks. Because it does suck.
And when I'm good and ready to be friends again with my very best friend I will be ready to hear just how awesome and powerful He is. And I'll be looking forward to how He plans to turn this around so it can all look like a dream.
Until then, Rejoice in The Lord always. And again I say, Rejoice.
I know, it's complicated.
xoxo
