Closure

I do not know what this word means.

The concept? Even more alien.

They tell me it is the thing to do when a relationship ends:
you call the other party up,
you ask questions about everything that's bugging you,
you get answers,
you're satisfied or at least enlightened,
then you go home and you are able to sleep at night again.

Alien concept.

I once tried it, you know,
the whole nine yards.

All I really wanted to know was "Why?"

But just like the Great curious ones,
one question led to another and another,
until I was cut open again,
to bleed out of all my perfectly disguised scars, again.

So now when I say goodbye to someone in my heart, I do ask.
I ask myself why: why would I let them hurt me again?
What else could I possibly need to know that would make me feel better?
Does it matter why he 'forgot' my birthday three years in a row?
Is there any good reason that she could give for telling those hurtful lies about me?
Can he take back that one night with another woman with words?
Will a thousand apologies make things better?

I will admit that sometimes it means something (a lot) just to hear them say "I'm sorry", but even that is hardly ever enough. To find closure, I know I have to look inside of me. Because no matter what anyone else says or does, I am responsible for my pain. I have to find it within myself to forgive myself, and forgive them and shut the door; not with an angry bang, but with the silent but sure click of finality. At times I get lazy, and in a bid to prolong what I must do for myself I seek the answers in someone else, hoping that somehow they will say or do something that will set me free and make the bad feelings go away. But who am I kidding...

And will I ever really get closure? A part of me knows that these perfectly disguised scars will always be there: invisible to you but just a bit tight right where it hurts. Where is the closure in that?

Closure. (n) an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality

xxx